I dream of genie

Last night I was in a funk so deep I could barely move. Ever been there? It's a self perpetuating slippery-slope with no way out except time.

I suppose I've been down for some time, suffocating on my own existence and my apparent inability to change the circumstances I feel so imprisoned by. But of course, I'm a voluntary detainee, I can go any time I choose - so why don't I? What sick, masochisitic tendency is keeping me tethered to my perpetual state of under-achievement?

I come from a family of intelligent, creative, inventive people who all live far below their potential. All of us aspire to some greater endeavour, we all recognise that we have the ability and yet we all subjugate ourselves to someone else's cause. We're like horses, champing at the bit, straining against the reins, certain of success if only we could break free - but who or what is holding us back? To say it is ourselves is so obvious that it barely merits acknowledging, but what in ourselves? Where's the magic switch? Where's the handbrake?

I hate my job like I've hated no job before. I hate the work, I hate the people, I hate the pay. I berate myself on a daily basis for being there. I live in fear of bumping into someone I know and having to tell them what I'm doing these days (which is why I have a beefed up version of my job on hand at all times). I'm humiliated that this is where I am. It's not that 'I should've been a lawyer' - I had that option and chose a different path. I have no pretentions about what I do - actually, that's a lie - everyday I look at my colleagues and am acutely aware that these are the people at school who were really only a few marks off special-ed. I'm not talking about the people who were failed by a school-system which was incapable of quantifying non-academic skills, I'm talking about the people that just didn't have any - wind-up people who go where TV and trash media lead them - not bad people, just really, really thick ones!

Why don't I leave?

It's easy, walk in to my manager and resign.

And then what?

That feeling again of potential percolating, bridled brilliance, jailed genius - I could change the world if I could unleash it all... or could I? I don't believe I'm under the lash of fear of failure, I haven't got that far yet! Although I do have a nasty habit of feeling defeated before I've even tried.

I could go on forever, like so many under-acheivers, I have a super-power for over analysis which is just boring and futile. I'll just say this and then go, my biggest fear (aside from fish) is that I can't change my nature - if I had it within my potential to release this sea of possibility inside me, I would have done it by now.

Until next time, I remain your genie is a bottle.